Dr. Strangesсhiff, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Impeachment

Who could have guessed that the words of Soviet secret police chief Lavrentiy Beria to Joseph Stalin, "Show me the man, and I will show you the crime," would be strangely embodied in American politics and jurisprudence in the 21st century? Moreover, according to Dr. Strangesсhiff — congressman, chairman, and commissar — these wonderful words have recently found their way into the U.S. Constitution.

Secret impeachment would seem to be a new idea, but the curious Dr. Strangesсhiff borrowed it from the closed Soviet trials of dissidents, "enemies of the people," and other "undesirable elements."

Bravo, comrade Strangesсhiff! Please, continue the Orange Man trial behind closed doors. After all, the American people are ecstatic about closed hearings without access by journalists or lawyers. They are also especially fond of the removal of the president based on an anonymous gossip-monger, or two, or three. The number of blabbers is not important, since the transcripts of their testimonies will never be published (not because they are not there, but because that is exactly what the intent was).

How familiar...

The impeachment trials by the troika of Strangesсhiff, Loudspeaker, and Jabba-the-Dem take place in the basement of the Lubyanka Capitol. Citizens of the country are not allowed in the basement trial of their president. Secret investigation, followed by a secret court, and then...secret execution. Furthermore, all these actions are in the same basement. In the 21st century, it is the basement of the Capitol.

How familiar...

When presenting the case of impeachment to his committee, Chairman Strangesсhiff used a specially written parody of the conversation between Orange Man and the president of Ukraine instead of the declassified and officially published text. The word "clowning" comes to mind, but the Strangeschiff clan never joke. They deal only with serious anti-American and revolutionary affairs. For example, in 1917, one of Strangeschiff's relatives, a banker, paid all travel expenses for the family idol, communist Leo Trotsky, to move from New York to Russia, where he became one of the leaders of the communist coup. When Trotsky was arrested while crossing the Canadian border, he had 10 thousand dollars on him (about 200 thousand dollars at the current rate).

Nevertheless, the actions of the self-appointed troika are getting funnier every day. Recently, they began to invite witnesses, who at the time of the "committing of the crime" had not been White House employees for a long time. They did not and could not possibly see or hear anything. Excellent selection of witnesses, Comrade Chairman! Anonymous whistlers who refuse to give official testimony are a great contribution to the reputation of the Democratic Party, Comrade Strangesсhiff.

Dr. Strangesсhiff spends public resources on a private, non-governmental, and illegitimate project. There is no formal impeachment process because nobody has voted for it. Therefore, the Strangeschiff troika does not even have the legal authority to subpoena anyone to testify. The other day, the third-rate Loudspeaker once again confirmed that there has not been...

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