Our brave new progressive world, from A to Woke

In his woke instruction manual 1984, author George Orwell wrote about how important it is to control the dictionary. The one who controls the language controls the past, present, and future.

“Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thought-crime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it,” Orwell wrote.

Thanks for the great idea, Mr. Orwell! 

George Orwell might’ve been on to something when he wrote about “newspeak.”

To that end, the staff of satire site The Babylon Bee has put together a glossary of all the words you’ll need to know if you want to sound smart while hanging out with your other woke friends.

You’ll find it in their new book, out next week, called “The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness.” But you, lucky progressive, get an exclusive first look:

Abolitionism — The noble movement to remove all police protection from urban communities and replace them with unarmed antiracist interpretive dancers.

Ally — A straight white male who kills himself. 

The best way to be an ally.

Antiracism — The act of judging everyone by skin color in order to defeat racism.

Antifascism — The act of beating people senseless with bike locks to defeat fascism. 

Antifascism in action.

Canceling — The sacred ritual of shunning those who deny the doctrines of our righteous movement. Shun the nonbeliever! 

Capitalism — A system in which people freely exchange goods and services. The evilest system that has ever been invented.

Cisgender — An unenlightened normie who identifies with their biological sex.

Cisgendered Hetero Patriarchonormative Whitemanspreading — What? No idea what this is. But it sounds terrible!

Climate Justice — The act of living in mud huts and eating bugs until the cancer of humanity is extinguished and Mother Gaia can live on. Also, any tax can be considered climate justice. 

Colorblind — Adjective describing someone who doesn’t see color or race. Just like the Nazis. This is supremely evil, since it turns a blind eye to the lived experience and daily reality of people of color, who all have the same monolithic lived experience and daily reality.

Communism — Basically, it’s loving people and sharing with them, just like the Care Bears taught. It’s the greatest system ever invented.

Critical Theory — The classification of all human interactions as some sort of power imbalance that must be remedied by dismantling systems of oppression until all meaningless sacks of meat and chemicals are the exact same and life is uninteresting, which will make it much easier for humans to just kill themselves, which is the ultimate goal here.

Cultural Relativism — The essential belief that all cultural ideas are equally valid and must never be compared to an objective moral standard. This belief must be held until the West is destroyed. Then we can stop believing it.

Deadname — When you erase a trans-body by referring to them by the name given to them at birth. This is basically the same as murder. If you do it by accident, it’s just manslaughter, though.

Desegregation — The wicked act of invading black spaces with physical whiteness and white thinking.

Do Better — Believe the same things as me or things will be really bad for you. This is a warning.

Dog Whistle — A top-secret racism signal that signals all the racists to do the racism. Thousands of racists are standing by waiting to hear the dog whistle before they activate. Aryans, assemble! Keep your ears open for dogwhistles. They can be literally anything.

Empowerment — When someone does something the dominant culture considers really degrading, but all the good people say, “You go, girl!”

Equity —

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