How to Prepare for a Pre-Dawn Visit From the FBI

It’s clear the FBI has no interest in students threatening to shoot up schools (Nikolas Cruz), team doctors who assault underage gymnasts (Larry Nassar), or crackheads illegally possessing guns (Hunter Biden).

No, if you’re a criminal, a pervert, or a Democrat -- or some combination of the three -- the Feebs won’t be busting your door down at three in the morning and dragging you out into the street in your tighty whities.

The folks the Bureau’s been busting lately with great fanfare, and occasionally a CNN news crew in tow, are a different sort altogether: folks who vote Republican; Trump supporters; parents concerned about the crap taught in public schools; and Catholic abortion activists.

That’s who the rogue FBI wants to embarrass, take down, and ruin. So I’ve compiled a list of things you can do to limit the damage when the FBI eventually comes for you.

Protecting Your Front and Back Yards

When the Feebs go after enemies of the Deep State, they like to surround the house. It looks impressive on TV.

So, you’ll need two dogs on long chains, one in the front yard and one in the back. German shepherds are a good choice for deterrence, Shih Tsu’s are best if merely making a loud ruckus is what you’re after.

It goes without saying that bent cops are inherently cowards who want no part of big nasty dogs or even an ankle-biter. The FBI raiders parked in front of your home will either have to wait for animal control to show up -- giving you time to shower and put on a nice outfit for the perp-walk -- or the gutless Feebs will shoot your dogs, at the very least alerting you as to what’s happening.

Door Signs

There’s two ways you can go with door signs. If you’re resigned to getting busted, put up a sign saying: The door’s open, please don’t bust it down! Perhaps you’ll be lucky and the lead Feeb will simply use the doorknob.

Obfuscation is another way to go. You could try: We love Joe Biden, he’s NOT a useless vegetable!

The Feebs, at least the ones running the show, take their marching orders from ol’ Crusty Joe, and perhaps they’ll forgo having you kneel down on your front lawn while they cuff you.

Be a Good Host

Like any other flatfoot, a Feeb loves a good cup of joe and a French cruller. Before going to bed at night, make sure you’re adequately supplied with Dunkin Donuts products -- there won’t be time to go when you start hearing the sirens and the whirring blades of the FBI helicopters. As the Bureau storm troopers break down your front door, totally ignoring your “Door’s Open” sign, offer each one of them a hot coffee and a tasty treat. Faced with such kindness, perhaps they’ll eschew the new FBI custom of rifling through the lady of the house’s underwear drawer.

Flattery Always Helps

Although the FBI agents busting you are amoral, partisan creeps on a par with the Gestapo, they’re still human. Tell them how good they look in their FBI-emblazoned windbreakers. Ask them, without smirking, about all those terrorist plots they’ve foiled that nobody knows about. Have a framed photo of a smiling James Comey in the downstairs bathroom. Tell them you think Lisa Page is pretty freakin’ hot, anything to keep them from slapping you and your loved ones around.

Sedatives for the Kids

Sadly, your kids will be traumatized for life after watching their unshaven, beer-bellied dad hanging out of his boxers on Channel 5 News. So always have a bottle of Zanax or Valium handy for when the Feds unexpectedly visit. And make sure your kids know the right dose to take, in case you and your spouse have already been hog-tied on the living room floor. A list of psychologists should also be posted in plain sight, ideally professionals within walking distance, since you’re likely to be spending significant time in the slammer. The sooner your children start therapy after the trauma of watching FBI goons attack their home and family, the better.

Change Your Race

In the eyes of the FBI, BLM miscreants burning down cities, spitting on cops, and attacking innocents are just fine. It’s those pesky white supremacists the Feebs are after. If you’re unfortunate enough to be of Caucasian lineage, you fit that threat assessment perfectly.

So, when the federal SWAT team comes crashing into your front hall, give them the black power salute, chant “Black Lives Matter,” and tell them you’re somewhere between 1/64th and 1/1024th African-American and that you’ve got Benjamin Crump on speed dial. Have a framed photo of Lloyd Austin hanging in the living room to add authority to your claim.

Can’t hurt, might work.

Vote this November

Despite all the preparations I’ve suggested, when the rogue FBI comes a knocking at your door, you’re screwed. With the help of Deep State judges and the fake-news media, the FBI will happily ruin you, your family, your finances, and your...

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