Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Man in Coma for 19 Years Asks to Go Back to Sleep
In what members of the medical community are calling an unprecedented development, a man who recently awoke from a 19-year coma has asked doctors to put him back to sleep.
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At a press conference in Jacksonville, Fla., today, the man, James Dumont, 51, told reporters that at first he was excited to be conscious again, “But then I turned on the TV.”
Mr. Dumont said that the first images he saw on television were those of President Barack Obama giving a press conference.
“I was happy at first, because I thought, well, good, ‘Saturday Night Live’ is still on, and that’s my favorite show,” he said. “Then I realized that it was actually the real president at the White House, and I became very depressed.”
After hearing the president field questions about the state of the economy, immigration, gun control, the ability of the government to kill Americans without a trial, Syria and Benghazi, Mr. Dumont “ couldn't take it anymore. This is like a dystopian Orwellian novel”, he said.
Seeking escapism, Mr. Dumont changed the channel and saw the Kardashian clan starring in the latest installment of their hit television show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.”
“That was really the straw that broke the camel’s back,” he said. “I don’t want to live in a country that exploits mentally impaired people like that.”
Mr. Dumont's doctor said that putting his patient back into a coma state would create an ethical quandary for the medical community: “Millions of other people would want the same thing.”
Elsewhere, a spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue drone attacks on Americans’ wireless phones, explaining, “It’ll be easy, since we’re already on the line listening in.”
This is satire and was copied and modified from a marxist zealot.
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Sara Jean Underwood
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Monday, April 29, 2013
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