Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Today's Muslim Horoscopes

Cancer It's a good day to martyr yourself. Your 72 virgins are getting impatient waiting for you, and they are feeling very lonely today. They need to feel to touch of a hero who knows his way around a suicide belt.

Leo Take time to celebrate the deaths in Benghazi and support legislation restricting access to Benghazi documents. Tonight: go out in large groups and harass the locals, infidels never defend themselves.

Virgo A good day to lawyer up. Not that you did anything wrong! Still, a very, very good day to lawyer up with a free CAIR Lawyer. Tonight: practice saying "I was targeted because I belong to the religion of peace" in the mirror.

Libra Accuse your opponents of playing the blame game. When they accuse you of playing the blame game by accusing them of playing the blame game, feign chest pains until they apologize. Then start playing the blame-them-for-your-chest-pains game.

Scorpio Take the bus, bring a plastic axe and a plastic knife, then stare down passengers while slowly touching your neck. If the police harass you, tell them you are going to a comic con. When the police leave, explain to the nearest female what they do to women who dress like her in Islamic countries.

Sagittarius Rent a box truck today. If they harass you, call CAIR and claim discrimination and harassment because of your religion. Accuse conservative TV personality of saying things you disagree with, and insisting that he shut up! Add a P.S. suggesting he knows nothing of sharia and has no right to discuss sharia.

Capricorn Today you'll get the urge to express your opposition to legal immigration by accusing anyone opposing illegal immigration of racism. If someone voices skepticism, call them a racist, an islamophobe, an infidel and an apostate.

Aquarius Count your blessings as an Islamist, such as unfettered love and adoration from the media, newspapers, periodicals and supporting Hollywood movies that allows you to get away with lies, murder and building your caliphate. Tonight: Spray paint hate messages on your mosque and blame it on the locals just for fun.

Pisces Don’t take no for an answer. Give no for an answer. The 5th amendment is your and your friends friend.


Aries Sad thoughts may bedevil you today. Clear them out of your head by thinking of destroying western society. Tonight: party like a Barbary Pirate.

Taurus Beat your wife today, any excuse will do: maybe she did not bring you goat curry fast enough, or pehaps she did not submit to your carnal desire with enough enthusiasm, be creative if you have to, she needs to know her place and be humbled and humiliated.


Gemini Practice saying into a mirror: "I'm smart enough, I'm good enough and dog gone it, I'm really good at killing infidels". Then check on the progress of your bomb building crew.



 

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