Communist Party Of China Can't Believe They're Getting Such Great Coverage From The American Media For Free

BEIJING—According to sources with the Communist Party of China, party members are deeply humbled and incredibly grateful to the American media for running defense for them without even charging for it.

In a speech Wednesday, President Xi Jinpig expressed his bewilderment that the American media will simply repeat his talking points and won't even charge him a dime.

"You mean we don't even have to pay for this kind of positive press coverage? Amazing!" said President Xi Jinpig. "Here in China, we threaten the journalists' families, break their kneecaps, throw them into prison, or just pay them off for great coverage like this. America is truly a great place and a real friend to us commies."

What kind of favors has the American press done for China? First off, they repeated China's talking point that they didn't have anything to do with the virus and that it was probably Trump's fault. Then, China politely requested that everyone stop calling the virus that definitely came from China the "Chinese virus" or the "Wuhan virus," and the American media ran with it. President Xi suggested that journalists refer to the virus as the "Most Likely American Virus" or the "Precious Gift From Our Dear Friends In China" or even the "Trumpsfault Virus," and sure enough, several American press outlets were all over it.

"When I say pounce on Trump, they say, 'How high?' It's fantastic," President Xi added, laughing. "I even offered to pay them, but they all said they're doing it for the love of spreading propaganda and refused any...

Greta Thunberg Condemns Coronavirus For Causing Apocalypse 10 Years Early

STOCKHOLM—Greta Thunberg has come out to condemn the coronavirus outbreak, saying the virus callously ended the world ten years before climate change even had the chance to.

As Thunberg is known for her fiery speeches and doomsday predictions about climate change, she began to worry that the spread of this virus would take the spotlight off her and her brave efforts and instead cause the world to worry about an actual, immediate crisis.

"How dare you cause the apocalypse a decade before it was supposed to happen!" she shouted at a press conference. "I was not consulted on this. I should be in school right now, but I'm not, because the whole world is under lockdown many years before I predicted the end (you know this is satire right?) would come."

"I still exist, remember!?"

At publishing time, Thunberg had been tossed out into the dumpster behind the Democratic headquarters in Washington, D.C., where she found David Hogg and dozens of other kids the Dems had exploited for...

In Major Deal, The Babylon Bee Purchases Competing Satire Site CNN

U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world's best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren't quite as good.

The site announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made the site the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire site CNN for $12 billion. The move more than quadrupled the site's catalog of hilarious, satirical articles.

"We've long admired CNN's ability to parody leftist media organizations so effortlessly, and we're thrilled to have them under The Babylon Bee's umbrella," said site CEO Seth Dillon. "When you can't compete with hilarious satire like CNN, you obviously look for ways to get them on your team, and an acquisition seemed to make the most sense."

The new conglomerate organization will be called BNN. CNN writers and hosts will be instructed to simply keep doing what they're doing.

"We don't want them to change anything since you don't try to fix satirical content that's already incredible," Dillon said. "They'll just keep churning out incredibly skewed content in order to satirize the leftist media's inability to report anything without bias or prejudice."

Brian Stelter will produce satirical videos for The Babylon Bee, moving the site into the realm of video content for the first time. Again, though, his show's content will remain unchanged.

CNN will also benefit, as their content will now be clearly labeled satire, protecting them from getting sued to high heaven for their skewed...

Democrats Warn That American People May Tamper With Next Election

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his opening statement at Trump's impeachment trial, Rep. Adam Schiff reminded the Senate of their solemn duty and the gravity of just what it is they will be discussing at the trial.

Schiff warned that if Trump is not impeached, the American people may have a chance to tamper with the next election.

"If President Trump is not impeached, the American people might get a say in who is president," Schiff said gravely. "We simply can't allow that to happen. We must diligently defend our electoral process against electoral outcomes we do not like. If that means seizing power through a sham impeachment trial, so be it."

"When the Founders wrote that founding document thing, they never imagined there would be electoral outcomes that Democrats did not agree with."

Democrats also said they even have hard evidence that the 2016 election was compromised by Republicans voting for Trump.

"We know this horrible outcome could happen, because...

As Part Of Settlement With Nick Sandmann, CNN Hosts Must Wear MAGA Hats During All Broadcasts

ATLANTA, GA—According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast.

"Let the punishment fit the crime," counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps.

Hosts were seen with downcast expressions as they commented on the day's events, MAGA hats in place.

related: CNN Settles in Covington Lawsuit

Sandmann says the hosts will be forced to wear the hats until they've learned their lesson, which could take a while. "Just be careful you don't make an expression some could construe as 'smug.' Wouldn't want you to get punched or your lives to get ruined, or anything like that."

CNN hosts must also finish every broadcast by saying, "Good night, and I am a big, fat dummy, while Trump is the best president we've ever had."

Brian Stelter requested an exemption and was allowed to wear a...

BREAKING: White House Involved In Stunning Plot Of Murder And Bribery --- UPDATE: Never Mind. It Was During The Obama Administration. Deleting.

This is Satire.
U.S.—New documents have revealed the greatest presidential scandal in the history of our nation -- maybe even the world. The documents, obtained from a whistleblower, show that the White House was behind a series of murders of state and local officials and certain businessmen, all as part of a scheme to cover up bribes received by the president himself from such countries as Iran and North Korea.

This should not only lead to President Donald Trump being impeached but also to his arrest and perhaps his execution for treason. We will give you further details as they emerge.

UPDATE: On further analysis of the documents, the events in question actually took place in 2015 when Barack Obama was president. Since this doesn’t involve Trump and instead is just on some minor issue with Obama (who probably...

Chick-Fil-A Trades Adoring Christian Fans For Outraged Mob That Won't Be Appeased Until Their Every Demand Is Met

U.S.—Chick-fil-A has said it will stop making donations to Christian groups that oppose the LGBTQ movement.

The move is said to be a "good trade" as Chick-fil-A has sacrificed its Christian fans in favor of an outraged mob that will stop at nothing to destroy them.

Restaurant spokespeople say they believe this move will be enough to appease the LGBTQ community and aren't worried about further demands from the mob until Chick-fil-A is groveling at the outraged leftists' feet.

"In no way will this backfire on us," said Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy. "Surely the left will be entirely appeased by this move. They will definitely forgive us right away and welcome us as one of them. In no way will they hold our past activities against us. This is much better than our previous Christian audience, who were always adoring us and never protesting us."

Cathy said the Christian fans have been great, but it's boring just having loyal fans who support you through thick and thin, and he'd much rather have fans who stage die-ins and cancel you when you don't cave in.

"Sometimes you just want to be loved by a group that protests you for years and calls you...

Motorcyclist Who Identifies As Bicyclist Sets Cycling World Record

NEW YORK, NY—In an inspiring story from the world of professional cycling, a motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist has crushed all the regular bicyclists, setting an unbelievable world record.

In a local qualifying race for the World Road Cycling League, the motorcyclist crushed the previous 100-mile record of 3 hours, 13 minutes with his amazing new score of well under an hour.

Professional motorcycle racer Judd E. Banner, the brave trans-vehicle rider, was allowed to race after he told league organizers he's always felt like a bicyclist in a motorcyclist's body.

"Look, my ride has handlebars, two wheels, and a seat," he told reporters as he accepted a trophy for his incredible time trial. "Just because I've got a little extra hardware, such as an 1170-cc flat-twin engine with 110 horsepower, doesn't mean I have any kind of inherent advantage here."

Banner also said he painted the word "HUFFY" on the side of his bike, ensuring he has no advantage over the bikes that came out of the...

Elizabeth Warren Wants To Be A Victim Oh So Very Bad....

Elizabeth Warren's Pow Wow Chow 'Cherokee' recipes were word for word COPIES of famous FRENCH chef's techniques

Elizabeth Warren's stealth campaign to shed 'Pocahontas'

Watch– Elizabeth Warren: Amnesty for All Illegal Aliens Is ‘Good’ for American Workers

Liz Warren Vows to Tax Gun Owners Back to the Stone Age with Radical Anti-Second Amendment Agenda

Elizabeth Warren Proves The Privilege Question...

Elizabeth Warren: Lying Hypocrite...

Hillary Clinton Asked To Leave Costco After Repeatedly Accusing Sample Lady Of Being A Russian Asset

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources at a DC-area Costco, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was asked to leave Costco again after repeatedly accusing a lady handing out food samples of being a Russian asset.

It wasn't clear how Clinton had ended up in the Costco, as she usually has her servants' servants go to the market for her. Some suggested she wanted to disguise herself and go be among her subjects to see how the other 99% lives.

Whatever the case, the sample lady had apparently offered the failed presidential candidate a small paper cup of orange juice and told her the packs were on sale for $9.49 when the incident occurred.

"Orange... orange like Trump!" Clinton screamed suddenly, frightening the poor food demonstration worker. "You're in league with him, aren't you!?" The failed presidential candidate lunged across the cart and attempted to pull off her face mask, certain the lady was actually Vladimir Putin in a skin suit.

When that failed and the woman shooed her off with a plastic glove, Clinton turned for help and began screaming, "Security! Margaret in the frozen foods aisle is a Russian asset! Help, help, our elections are being meddled with!"

Guards arrived but relaxed when they saw it was just Hillary Clinton. "OK, lady, let's go," they said, grabbing her by each arm.

"Thank goodness you're here!" Clinton cried. "Arrest that woman! Can't someone help me out!?"

"Oh yeah, sure, lady, we'll help you out," the guards said, snickering as they dragged her toward the...

NBA Now Requiring All Players To Stand For Chinese National Anthem...

 At This Point, Might As Well...

Experts Warn We Have Only 12 Years Left Until They Change The Timeline On Global Warming Again

WORLD—Climate experts have solemnly warned that we only have twelve years left until they change the dates on global warming again.

"If we don't take action, then in 12 years we will have to explain why the world hasn't ended and come up with a new number," one UN scientist warned. "This is a very serious threat, and we urge everyone to hand control of the economy to the government immediately before we have no more time left to change the timeline again."

The scientific consensus is that roughly 10-12 years from now, the world will be flooded with new doomsday predictions. This can all be avoided if we overhaul the economy and become socialists, according to non-political, unbiased sciencey type guys.

"Should we not change our ways, our old predictions will melt, dangerously raising the chance of us having to move the goalposts again," said Al Gore. "Do you really want me to write another book, film another movie, and go on another tour in my private jet just because you dingbats couldn't be bothered to alter your lifestyles? I don't think so. Let's all get on board with this 12-year figure, or we'll have to...

Walmart Discontinues Auto Part Sales To Prevent Car Accidents

BENTONVILLE, AR—In a bold move intended to curb the thousands of deaths from vehicles each and every day, Walmart has decided to stop selling auto parts, sources confirmed Tuesday.

According to shocking reports, people have purchased car parts at Walmart and then those cars have been involved in accidents, proving a direct correlation between selling auto parts and causing deaths.

"We can no longer be complicit in an industry that kills over 3,000 people a day," said a spokesperson for Walmart. "Every time we sell a muffler, steering wheel cover, or flame decal, we are potentially causing the death of a person, and we cannot support that any longer."

"It's clear that bad drivers and poor road conditions don't cause vehicular deaths---cars do."

Walmart executives said they are beating themselves with a stick to atone for the deaths they've already caused.

"Our consciences will only be clean when we've been mercilessly beaten once for each of the millions of deaths that have been caused by automobiles since Walmart began selling...

Experts: It May Be Too Late To Halt Climate Change Town Hall On CNN

U.S.—Experts solemnly warned the nation that it may be too late to stop the 7-hour climate change town hall scheduled to air on CNN tonight.

Despite humanity's best efforts to stall climate change town halls by long-winded, self-important politicians, the event appears to be rapidly approaching. No one has been able to come up with a plan to stop it, and now there's a scientific consensus that it's inevitable.

"We have reached the point of no return," said one expert grimly as he took a shot of something from a flask. "We have less than 12 hours before the Democrats do irreparable damage to our sanity by talking for seven full freakin' hours on television."

"The only thing we can do now is say goodbye to our loved ones," he added. "And maybe tune into something else, like HGTV or something. Anything."

Radical activists tried to distract the candidates to prevent the town hall from moving forward. One man left a wallet with some $20 bills sticking out of it in hopes that Bernie Sanders would get distracted. Another left a book of cool cuss words on a park bench, hoping that Beto O'Rourke would make a detour to pick it up. But all of these efforts have failed, and now the climate change town hall will affect everybody on the planet, or at least CNN's seven viewers.

The inescapable broadcast is expected to cause a sharp rise in unprovable claims, such as linking Hurricane Dorian to human activity. Scientists also predict a rapid surge of Prius purchases.

“We’ve been warning the public about this for years,” said Chuck Little, certified climate authority. “Can you believe some people still think public profiteering off trendy political footballs isn’t real? Deniers,” he scoffed.

At publishing time, experts were revising their...

Leftists Stand In Midst Of Storm Signaling Hurricane To Go Kill Their Political Opponents

FLORIDA—As yet another hurricane approached the Florida coast this evening, and people still apparently live in Florida for some reason, brave leftist warriors were deployed into the middle of the storm in order to signal the hurricane to go kill their political opponents.

Progressive organizations sent humanitarian workers everywhere the storm was set to make landfall to make sure the hurricane got the message that it was to do as much damage as possible, as long as it was only bringing death and destruction to those they disagree with.

"Begone, ye foul storm---go back from whence you came!" shouted one leftist as he signalled with a traffic control wand. "Well, not from whence you came---actually, Mar-a-Lago is right that way. You can't miss it---big building, lots of people who will probably get hurt. But that's totally cool, because they're associating with Trump."

"NOW GO, FELL BEAST OF WIND AND WATER, AND DO MY BIDDING TO CRUSH TRUMP AND THE RIGHT!" he bellowed, cackling madly. He then got hit with a stop sign.

Concerning Survey Finds Too Many People Believe Snopes Is A Legitimate Fact-Checking Website

U.S.—A troubling new survey released by The Babylon Bee confirmed Wednesday that too many people think Snopes is a real fact-checking website.

The survey found that over 60% of people believe Snopes is a real website, while only 25% understand that it's satire. The remaining minority thinks that Snopes is the name of a gangsta rapper from California, "one of those guys who makes the hip-hop about the devil's lettuce and shooting people."

In the study, we went to a Walmart and grabbed random people by the arm and started shouting at them: "HEY, DO YOU THINK SNOPES IS REAL!?" The ones who didn't run away screaming or call for security responded, and of those few dozen people, we got our results. Most said, "Sure, yeah, whatever, please just leave me alone and don't hurt me!" while others said they thought it was satire site. A few people said, "Snopes Dogg? I loved his album, Straight Outta Compton."

Despite the fact-checks on Snopes.com clearly being "labelled fact-checks," many people were taken in by the site's ruse. Snopes has managed to fool many readers with its brand of fact-checking in the past. We're not sure if muddying the details of actual investigative journalism qualifies Snopes as a real "fact-checker."

"This is clearly a threat to democracy," said the head researcher we specifically paid to say "this is clearly a threat to democracy." "Maybe people who read Snopes just aren't as informed or educated as people who...

Women Who Don't Believe Israel Has Right To Exist Not Sure Why They Got Banned From Israel

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar reported Thursday they were bewildered that they got banned from Israel, a country they seem to believe shouldn't exist at all.

"It's racism," said Omar in a press conference. "It's all due to racism. Well, that and a Jewish conspiracy. The Jews are behind this, for sure." (The evidence indicates she's correct on this assertion, a first for her accusations against Jews).

Tlaib agreed, saying she wanted to ask Jews about the Holocaust so she could relax and get a "calming feeling" while she was there.

"It just doesn't make much sense for this country that shouldn't even exist to ban us," she said. "What have we ever said against them, besides suggesting they are terrorists who deserve to be pushed into the sea?"

The women said they now had to change their vacation plans from hanging out with people they hate in a country they hate to somewhere less "Jewy."

Democrats Propose Creation Of National Trump Voter Registry

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congressional Democrats recently noticed a problem in our nation: many of the people who voted for Donald Trump have yet to be beaten up.

Our Democratic leaders in Washington decided it was time to solve this problem because they are really good at identifying problems we didn't even know we had and then solving them.

Presidential candidate Joaquin Castro, who spearheaded the program, explained, "The solution is simple and cost-effective: a national Trump Voter Registry, forcing anyone who voted for Trump to register so people around them will be able to be cautious and vigilant while living among such reckless hate."

Anyone who voted for Trump will have to sign up on the national registry's website. Then, their name and address will automatically appear on a map of the country so that their neighbors can avoid them and hopefully beat them up.

The bill also contains many other requirements for Trump voters:

• They cannot live within 1,000 feet of a school, park, or civilized Democrat.
• They must knock on all doors of other people in their neighborhood when they move in and identify themselves as a Trump voter.
• They are required to wear their MAGA hats at all times so they can easily be identified as a legitimate target of harassment.
• They must hire a crier to go before them and shout "SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!" whenever they go outside.
• They are not allowed to get a job or conduct commerce unless they agree to get the Mark of Obama on their hand and forehead.

"With this new registry, we can finally have healing in our nation," said Nancy Pelosi. "Especially Trump voters. They'll have to have a lot of healing after they get punched in the...

This Head Chopper Needs A Better Translator...

Ahmed, It's Behead Those Who Insult Islam, Silly!
But keep those facial expressions, they are perfect!

6 Dead After Truck Collides With Anti-Trump Protesters On Freeway

A 32-year old hero driving a Waldrum Brother’s delivery truck is responsible for the death of 6 Anti-Trump protesters that were blocking traffic while chanting “Dump Trump” in the middle of a Seattle freeway.

The accident occurred near an I-15 off-ramp today around 5:15 PM. According to witnesses, a crowd of approximately 16 individuals pulled their vehicles to the side of the freeway and created a barricade by linking their arms together.

The protester’s actions immediately hindered the flow of traffic and motorists became upset at what many of them viewed as an unwanted obstacle preventing them from getting home after a long day at work. A few of the protesters were seen holding signs that read – “Not My President” or “Love Trumps Hate” and all protesters were chanting – “Dump Trump”.

After dealing with angry motorist for about 5-minutes, the group of protesters moved aside to allow the backed-up vehicles to resume their commute. Once a steady-flow of traffic resumed, the group of protesters once again linked arms to create a barricade for a second time.

It was at this time when Richard L. Porter, a 32-year-old Seattle resident employed by Waldrum Brother’s (a local appliance store) as a delivery driver quickly approached the chain of Anti-Trump protesters. According to Porter, he was driving with the current flow of traffic (around 80-MPH) when the obstruction created by the protesters seemed to appear out of nowhere.

By the time the protesters were visible to Porter – he didn’t have enough time to fully stop and though he did slam on his brakes and attempted to swerve, he ultimately...