Manhattan DA Announces Plan To Get Trump Elected In 2024

MANHATTAN, NY — Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg has announced a brilliant new plan to get Trump elected President in 2024.

"I will stop at absolutely nothing to put Trump back in the White House where he belongs," said Mr. Bragg. "I'm about to charge up his base like you've never seen!"

Mr. Bragg had carefully waited until the moment he could give Trump the biggest political boost to push forward with an indictment. "Check and mate, libs," laughed Mr. Bragg as he pulled on a MAGA hat. "I've already put in my request to be Trump's Transportation Secretary, I hear it's super easy. 2024, here we come!"

After lawyers of every political allegiance agreed there was no criminal case against Trump over hush money paid during his 2016 campaign, Mr. Bragg knew taking the hopeless case was his big chance. "The optics of Democrats indicting, even handcuffing Trump on charges that have no chance of sticking - what more could the Trump campaign ask for?" said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "Mr. Bragg might be the most brilliant Republican strategist this century. He's playing chess while the rest of us are...

Rittenhouse Judge Seen With Far Right Flag:

 This Hate Monger Probably Loves America Too, Disgusting!

Biden Drone Strikes White House After Vowing To Kill Those Reponsible For American Military Deaths In Kabul

WASHINGTON, D.C—President Joe Biden has finally stepped up delivering harsh remarks regarding those responsible for the deaths of our troops in Kabul. The President has authorized deadly force to deal with all who caused this tragedy.

“We will not rest until those responsible for this senseless, avoidable crisis in Kabul have been removed from this Earth,” said a forceful Biden. “We will unleash everything within our military’s arsenal to stop those who allowed this to happen!”

Unbeknownst to Biden at that very moment, a US military drone was activated and given the White House as its target. Before Biden could finish his speech he was pulled away urgently and briefed on what he’d just done.

“Aw c’mon man! I said kill the terrorists. Not us! What’s the deal, man?” said Biden.

“I’m sorry sir, but unfortunately you said to kill those responsible, Mr. President,” said General Milley. “The drones are quite literal, sir. There’s nothing we can do.”

At publishing time, Biden had tried to give the drones new orders to kill those who wish to harm our...

8 Domestic Terror Plots That Were Actually Orchestrated By The FBI

Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D)

Recent revelations have confirmed that the FBI was the one who organized the attempted kidnapping of Governor Gretchen Whitmer. But did you know that almost every domestic terror attack in U.S. history was actually orchestrated by the FBI? What a bunch of classic pranksters those FBI agents are!

Here are 8 terrible domestic attacks that the FBI turned out to be responsible for:

1) The Last Jedi: We knew it! According to leaked documents, the FBI infiltrated Lucasfilm 15 years ago in a plot to destroy the franchise and find out which Star Wars fans were problematic. Absolutely horrific.

2) That time when George Bush puked on the prime minister of Japan: Believe it or not, 3 undercover agents banded together and convinced the President that it would be "hilarious."

3) Tom Brady's deflategate: In a cruel attempt to entrap Tom Brady and bring down the Patriots, undercover agent Bill Belichick snuck into the locker room and deflated all the balls.

4) Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction: Not cool, FBI. What's wrong with you people?

5) The 12-year delay of the sequel to Avatar: Come to think of it, the first Avatar movie was also a domestic terror attack.

6) The founding of CHAZ: Remember all those drugged-out hippies who took over a city block and tried to start their own country of degenerates? Those were ALL FBI agents in their true form.

7)...

Based On LEGO Evidence, FBI Believes Capitol Rioter Was Also Planning Attack On Hogwarts Castle

PITTSBURGH, PA—The FBI released disturbing new details today regarding alleged January 6th rioter Robert Morss, who had a fully-constructed LEGO Capitol building in his home. Agents say Morss was also building several LEGO Harry Potter sets, leading authorities to believe he was planning a similar attack on Hogwarts Castle.

“The suspect had several completed LEGO Harry Potter building sets and was about 80% of the way through building the advanced-level LEGO Harry Potter Castle,” said FBI bureau chief Warren Alvarez. “We feel we caught him just in the nick of time before things turned violent once more.”

Alvarez said a review of Morss’ online social media accounts show him to be a staunch supporter of Lord Voldemort, believing that Albus Dumbledore was fraudulently elected as the leader of Hogwarts. Documents found on his computer show that Morss was planning a violent protest at the school on July 31, Harry Potter’s birthday.

“This is a huge win for law enforcement,” said Alvarez. “The FBI is proud of our work taking dangerous, LEGO-building criminals off the streets. Also, now I don’t have to buy my kid a birthday present, which is awesome.”

In related news, press secretary Jen Psaki said President Biden is renewing his calls for common-sense LEGO control, calling for universal background checks for all LEGO purchases as well as closing the toy show loophole. Psaki said. “We must work vigilantly to...

White Supremacy Starter Kit:

Remember Kids, Anyone Can Be A White Supremacist. If Everyone In America Becomes A White Supremacist, And We Just Label Ourselves As Americans... Then We Can End White Supremacy!

Imagine All The People, Living Life In Peace... You Can Say I'm A Dreamer.... Or Maybe A Dream Weaver:

Heroic Secret Service Agent Dives In Front Of Biden As Reporter Tries To Ask A Question

WASHINGTON D.C.—In an extraordinary act of bravery and heroism, a Secret Service agent dove in front of Biden to block a question from a pesky reporter.

As Biden slowly stepped out of his vehicle, a nosy reporter rudely attempted to ask him intrusive questions about things that were none of her business.

"Nooooooooooo!" said agent James Carter as the CBS reporter raised her hand to ask a completely inappropriate question-- possibly about the Middle East, or executive orders. Carter ran up to the president, arms outstretched, and dove through the air to shield the president from the incoming query.

"It's like everything went into slow motion," said Agent Carter. "My training kicked in and I leapt into action. I'm just happy I was able to make a difference."

Carter took the entire force of the blow from the incoming question before collapsing to the ground.

"Hey-- lookie there, they fly now!" said President Biden. "Hey there young man, would you mind not flying in front of me while I exit my vehicle? I have to get to the Oval Office in time for Matlock."

The Secret Service agent sustained minor injuries but is grateful to have saved the president from a reporter's unwelcome question.

"Just doing my...

Democrats Vote To Reinstate Trump As President So Impeachment Trial Is Constitutional

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Trump has been reinstated as president so Democrats in Congress can be sure the impeachment trial will be constitutional.

Trump will resume serving as president effective immediately so that Democrats can vote on the article of impeachment filed against him.

"We must make Trump president again so we can constitutionally impeach him again," said Chuck Schumer. "It's the only way to be sure. Normally, we don't care about the Consitution, of course, but when you're talking about impeaching Trump, we have to make sure we get it just right."

Democrats everywhere approved of the move, saying they have had nothing to live for since Trump left office last week.

"I had all these protest signs and nothing to protest," said Portland-area BLM activist Jacob Brier excitedly as he got on his gas mask. "We tried firebombing the local DNC headquarters, but it just wasn't the same. Sure, we could protest Biden starting new wars, but it's more fun to protest war under a...

Confessions of a Deprogrammed Trump Supporter

As many people are aware, CNN recently aired a wonderful interview by former Moonie-turned-cult-deprogrammer Steve Hassan giving advice to Americans wishing to deprogram their MAGA-hat wearing loved ones, now that the age of Trump is coming to an end.



I was fortunate enough to have read Hassan’s book and had the loving scrub-brush of truth wash my brain of all of its formerly pro-Trump sympathies and can honestly say that I am most certainly better off for having left those old delusions in the past.

For one thing, I used to enjoy my right to free speech… but thanks to the terrible events of January 6, 2021 that left 3 people dead, horned Q supporters doing photo ops for media, pro-Trump rioters let into the capitol building by guards, and busloads of conspicuous violent figures whom some say were “provocateurs” (whatever that means), I have come to realize that I was all wrong. Free speech is actually very dangerous. Words we took for granted like “patriot”, “nationalism”, or “vote fraud” are actually very racist and using them is a sure fire sign that you might be a domestic terrorist. At any rate, using them should at least be enough to get someone banned from social media and put under surveillance.

For a long time, I thought that record numbers of Black and Hispanic voters supporting Trump in 2020 meant that Trump was not racist, but I now realize that these poor folks just suffered from “multiracial whiteness”.

I thought that questioning voting machines that had been caught red handed manipulating elections across the world was patriotic and that somehow some conglomeration of Big Tech, the media, intelligence agencies and a thing called “deep state” were colluding to create a color revolution in the USA… but I now realize that I was actually supporting conspiracy theories and thus violence and thus domestic terrorism.

I was so far gone that my pre-deprogrammed self was actually persuaded in the crazy idea that depopulation agendas hid behind the cover of a “Great Reset agenda”, concocted by a shadowy elite of sociopathic oligarchs. I have now learned that this was either a silly conspiracy theory, the result of my own delusions or if it was true, then I can at least say with certainty that it is all for my own good.

The truth that I have now come to discover, is that free speech has just gone too far. This practice has reached its limits, and Twitter’s legal executive Vijaya Gadde is absolutely right. Social Media should do its civic duty and extend its censorship of “dangerous thoughts” to citizens and political officials outside of the USA in order to protect the world from itself. If other world leaders are worried about this new truth, then they should seriously do some soul searching and learn to think differently.

The old me is long gone, and now all I can say is “thank god” Joe Biden has found himself in the position of leader of the free world at this historic moment of change.

For awhile it was looking like Donald Trump would actually stop forever wars, and untie the U.S. military’s involvement from the CIA. That white supremacist actually came precariously close to destroying the foundations of globalization that many enlightened billionaires had put decades of energy into organizing- first destroying Obama’s Transpacific Partnership, then the Paris Climate Accords and THEN he had the nerve to scrap NAFTA itself by giving nation states a say in economic affairs!

He even committed the sin of criticizing NATO itself- the very foundation of western collective security from the obvious threats of...

Twitter Censors R2-D2 For Sharing Hacked Death Star Plans

YAVIN BASE, OUTER RIM—Rebel scum across the galaxy are up in arms after Twitter suspended the account of astromech droid R2-D2 for apparently sharing stolen Imperial plans vital to the survival of the Rebellion. According to sources close to the droid, he has been unable to post anything to Twitter since his suspension last week.

"Here at Twitter, we take the safety and security of the galaxy very seriously," said Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey in a response. "Our sources tell us these are very important schematics to an Imperial superweapon stolen by wanted criminal Jyn Erso and a ragtag band of mercenaries. Our rules clearly state that such sensitive material is not appropriate to be shared on our platform. Anyone caught sharing or attempting to access this information will be permanently suspended and the coordinates of their planet will be given to the Empire. We apologize for our poor communication up to this point."

According to unnamed sources, analysis of the plans has revealed a weakness in the imperial superweapon. Imperial sources have dismissed this as "Rebel misinformation that should be ignored and forgotten immediately."

Representatives in the Imperial Senate were outraged to hear of R2's suspension from Twitter and demanded that Jack be immediately transported to Coruscant for...

Oops! Public School Teacher Forgets To Remove Antifa Mask Before Logging On For Class

PORTLAND, OR—Parents are raising concerns after a teacher opened her Monday morning online class in full Antifa riot gear after forgetting to take it off the night before. According to witnesses, Willow Maven, a local first-grade teacher and prolific scarf knitter, began teaching her online class while still wearing a black ski mask and a leather jacket emblazoned with an Antifa logo.

"Okay class," she began. "Today we are reviewing the alphabet! Now repeat after me!"

"A is for Anti-fascist!"

"B is for Burning down symbols of oppression!"

"C is for Communism! The only compassionate system of government where everyone is equal!"

Ms. Maven was about to recite the letter "D is for Drumpf, the bad orange man" when she realized what she was wearing and quickly cut the feed.

"We understand this was distressing to some students and parents," said Superintendent Braylee Gungorstool. "It's obviously very concerning to discover there are some fascist students and parents in our midst. If you are offended by courageous anti-fascist fighters, I really feel sorry for you. Please rest assured the school will conduct a thorough investigation into every suspected fascist at our school. We have also asked Ms. Maven to abide by the teacher dress code from now on."

Local concerned parents then apologized for being fascists and promised to...

Once You Taste The Success You Get From Old Dick, You'll Be Hooked!

"One Bite Of Old Dick, And I Was Hooked"!
                                                           -KH

Biden Campaign Says He Is So Close To A VP Pick He Can Smell Her

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic Presidential Nominee Joe Biden's campaign announced that he would be making his pick for Vice President soon, adding that the former Vice President had recently stated, "I'm so close I can smell her."

Biden's staff says Joe has been pacing the halls of capitol buildings, congress, and the Senate sniffing the air like a starve-crazed bloodhound in search of the perfect female candidate. "He's huffing longer, deeper inhalations," said his campaign manager Greg Schultz. "That means he's getting really close."

Biden's staff says at the rate he is sniffing, he'll definitely have a VP pick by...

Powerful: LeBron James Pulls Over To Lecture Homeless Man On His White Privilege

LOS ANGELES, CA—We all know LeBron James is an amazing human being, but seriously. Just when we thought he couldn't get any better, local media caught this powerful moment and WE CAN'T EVEN. Cameras caught the inspiring, heartwarming moment LeBron approached a homeless man last week at one of LA's many tent cities.

According to sources, the homeless man held out his hand to LeBron's approaching car to ask for some spare change. What happened next gives us faith in humanity again.

The world-famous NBA player looked at the poor man's outstretched hand. Smiling kindly he said, "Silver and gold have I none, but in the name of #BlackLivesMatter, I offer you the gift of social enlightenment!"

LeBron James then proceeded to lecture the lucky panhandler on his white privilege, offering helpful ways to "be better" in the future. "I was shocked," said Mike "CrazyEyes" McCluckerson, the homeless Marine Corps vet after LeBron's helpful exhortation. "I was raised by a family of possums under an abandoned bridge, but I had no idea how many advantages my whiteness had given me in life. Furthermore, Mr. James illuminated a host of unconscious biases I harbored in my heart without even knowing it. This moment marks a turning point in my never-ending journey to relinquish the mantle of privilege Western colonialism has afforded me."

Mr. McCluckerson then offered Lebron James his scarf as a token of...

Powerful: Protesters Spell Out 'Love' With Burning Homes And Businesses

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a powerful display of their care for love and justice, protesters in Minneapolis burned the word "LOVE" into the city, arranging the inspiring message with homes and businesses set ablaze by their riots.

Heartfelt and moving.

"We just really wanted to show how much we care about love and social justice by burning this community into a powerful reminder of what it's all about," said local protester Jake Hernandez, who had flown in from Portland for the event. "Now, when police and fire helicopters fly over to try to restore order, they'll be inspired by our message of love and harmony."

Upon seeing the heart-wrenching message of unity, police dropped their batons, ripped off their badges, donned bandanas, picked up bricks, and joined the protesters in their rioting and looting. "I don't know how I didn't see the light before," said former police officer, now Antifa chapter leader Bridget Morrison as she lobbed a Molotov cocktail into a minority-owned business. "I'm woke to the cause of love and harmony."

What a powerful message! (this is satire) The protesters were also planning to burn the word "SOCIAL JUSTICE" into predominantly black parts of town but have sadly run out of buildings to burn....

Netflix To Make New Adaptation Of Moon Landing...

In Other News, Hollywood Homeless Population Turns Out To Be Made Up Of White Male Actors Unable to Find Any Acting Jobs...

Chinese Government Lays Off Entire Propaganda Team As American Media Doing Their Job For Them

BEIJING—The Chinese government has laid off its entire propaganda arm, cutting thousands of jobs at China Central Television and other state-run media outlets as the American media is already doing their job for them.

"It seemed kinda redundant for us to have a state-run media when we have the American press," said President Xi at a press conference Monday. "The American media is carrying water for us. It's pretty incredible. We unleashed a virus on the world and lied about it for months, and the American press can't stop praising us. As long as they make their orange leader look bad, they'll repeat any line we feed them."

"Really, we Commies could learn a lot from the propaganda of the press over in America," he added admiringly.

The Communist dictator sat the nervous, state-owned journalists down and asked them, "What would you say you do there?" to which they responded, "We take the propaganda and tell it to the people." But President Xi wasn't fooled, saying that the American press already does that and the redundancy would be eliminated. This is satire.

Luckily for the state-owned journalists and broadcasters who lost their jobs in...

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out 'We're All In This Together' With Their Yachts

MALIBU, CA—Many described the scene as breathtaking or awe-inspiring. Others were so touched they couldn't find the words to communicate how they felt. Most simply wept.

No matter how they expressed their emotions, everyone agreed that the scene off the Malibu coast Monday morning was exactly what America needed to get through this pandemic. Celebrities gathered their multi-million-dollar yachts on the waters of the Pacific Ocean and spelled out "WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER."

"We're just like you," said Ellen DeGeneres on her Instagram as her servants sailed her yacht into position to form the apostrophe. "Yes, maybe I have a yacht and you've only ever been on the Storybook Canal boats at Disneyland, but still. It's pretty much the same thing."

"Stay home, save lives -- it's not that hard," said Patton Oswalt, whose fleet of yachts made up several of the letters. "Look, poor people, it's not worth risking your life just to go to Fuddruckers or work a job or whatever it is you peasants do all day." Elvis Presley said "You know this is satire right?"

After the stunt was over, Oswalt had his chauffeur drive him home in his hot tub limousine as he snorted several million dollars' worth of powdered caviar.

"All of humanity is fighting this together and we're all as one," said Lady Gaga, who was wearing a bathing suit made out of gold bricks. "Though, I mean, don't try to get on my yacht. My guards will literally shoot you. That's not a...

Medical Experts Confirm Democrats Have Developed Herd Immunity To Sexual Assault Allegations

U.S.—Medical experts were excited to announce today that Democrats have achieved herd immunity against sexual assault allegations.

After getting accused of sexual assault thousands and thousands of times for so many years, the Democrats developed some kind of antibodies against the allegations. Researchers are taking blood samples to isolate the antibodies to see if a vaccine can be developed for other groups.

"It's amazing -- the entire Democrat demographic is entirely immune," said one researcher as he took blood samples from Joe Biden. "After conspiring with the media to squash any accusations that pop up, it seems, over time, Democrats have been able to develop a kind of herd immunity to any allegations." This is satire.

Biden has been an important case study for medical experts' work, as he can publicly sniff people's hair and inappropriately touch many people on camera and still be entirely protected from any accusation whatsoever. His DNA is being studied for a possible breakthrough for...

IPCC-ACLU Report: The Easter Bunny causes climate change..

By Eric Golub
In a new bombshell report designed to strip away the last ounce of American social fabric, a joint panel of leftists issued a report that could cancel the holiest Christian Sunday on the calendar. According to the International Panel on Climate Change-American Civil Liberties Union report, the Easter Bunny causes climate change.

The report recommends that all Easter egg rolls be immediately canceled. The movement of eggs on the grass in a rolling fashion does damage to the grass, and the Easter Bunny himself exhales poisonous carbon dioxide.

The IPCC-ACLU groups stressed that for America to truly be a politically leftist utopian paradise, nobody will be allowed to engage in anything that any reasonable person could possibly consider fun. All happy children must grow up to be as dour and miserable as the leftists in charge.

The National Organization for Women cried sexism that children have to learn about Easter from a male rabbit rather than a female one. The female rabbits do all the hard work of preparing the eggs, yet the male bunnies get to frolic on the lawn with the kids and reap all the glory. The NOW feminists, who have never found joy in anything ever, fully support the Easter Bunny ban.

One leftist Asian group declared the term “egg roll” to be an anti-Asian slur, and encouraged Easter participants to be more culturally sensitive. When Americans asked if they should stop eating egg rolls so that Chinese restaurants go bankrupt, the leftist Asian group responded that kale was delicious.

The IPCC-ACLU report only applies to the Easter Bunny character, and not to Peter Rabbit when he is off the clock. As long as Peter is secular, he can not only roll eggs but throw them at nearby cars while yelling “Occupy.” The IPCC-ACLU report also recommended that leftists work with the Libertarians to replace the Easter Egg Roll with a Spring Solstice Marijuana Roll. The kids will be allowed to roll the joints themselves in keeping with Christian traditions as taught in Common Core textbooks.