4 Amazing Things Hiding On Earth (That We Just Discovered)

Because of such technological marvels as Google Maps (and the many volumes of Where's Waldo?), you'd think that every inch of planet Earth has been thoroughly documented by this point. But the truth is, science pulls mind-blowing finds out of its cavernous, all-knowing ass more or less every 15 minutes. Here are four amazing discoveries that just occurred while the rest of civilization was bingeing on Teen Momand waffle tacos.

#4. NASA Finds the World's Longest Canyon Beneath Greenland

Even if you didn't sleep through your elementary school geography lessons, you probably have an inkling that Greenland is 75 percent covered in ice. But what you didn't know was that tucked underneath all that ice sits the longest canyon in the world.

J. Bamber, University Bristol
"Oh honey, size isn't everything. You're still 'grand' to me." -Grand Canyon's wife

NASA discovered the 460-mile-long canyon while sending special radar signals through Greenland's ice, probably in hopes of finding something green so we could justify that stupid name. The longer it took the signals to bounce back, the deeper the canyon -- and scientists aren't even done measuring it yet.

The best part of the whole story is that the longest canyon in the world has been playing hide-and-seek with us since before humanity existed. You win this round, awe-inspiring geological formation, but you'll get yours when we finally go extinct.

#3. Archaeologists Discover Priceless Secret Tomb, Excavate It in Secret

Among the many details The Goonies got right was the notion that once a secret treasure is found, everyone will want to get their grubby hands all over it. So archaeologists from the University of Warsaw probably had visions of Mama Fratelli pinballing through their skulls when they discovered an untouched Peruvian tomb full of gold, badass artifacts, and sultry lady mummies.

The tomb belonged to the predecessors of the Incas, the Wari, and -- evidence of human sacrifices notwithstanding -- these guys seemed hilarious.

Daniel Giannoni
We're assuming this is a whoopee cushion.

Furthermore, the researchers who found this 1,300-year-old tomb managed to keep the whole dig a secret for months. Why didn't they make a huge announcement to the world the second they found the first set of gold earrings? Because Goonies -- they knew everyone would come and raid the artifacts. Instead, they waited until their pockets were lined with treasure and body parts before issuing a press release months later.

The press release consisted solely of this photo, published full page in Grave Robbers Monthly.

#2. Geologists Discover 2.6-Billion-Year-Old Water, Drink It

Deep in the recesses of a Canadian mine, scientists found a pool of water believed to be between 1.5 billion and 2.6 billion years old. This water is so old that researchers think it's from back when that section of Canada was the actual ocean floor. And after theorizing that there may be lifeforms thriving within the water that are capable of living for billions of years independent of the sun, the geologists proceeded to drink that shit. One taster described the water as "very salty and bitter."

Brian Summers
"I added a sprinkle of anise seed to round out the flavor."

It's unclear what exact kind of eldritch horror the research team is destined to evolve into, but we'll get a better idea once their ventral polyps sprout up.

#1. Scientists Find One of the Largest Volcanoes in the Solar System Next to Japan

In a recent scientific discovery that could possibly explain the existence of Godzilla, scientists have found that the biggest volcano on Earth and one of the biggest volcanoes in the solar system has been hiding on the seafloor a thousand miles east of Japan.

Nature
"Well, men, this thing is filled with either radioactive lizard eggs or Kinder egg toys. We're praying for the toys."

For the last 20 years, researchers have been stumped as to whether the huge lumpy underwater mass was a group of volcanoes or just one big mama volcano. Turns out that at 120,000 square miles, the world's biggest zit is the latter. This thing is the size of New Mexico, and the nearest competition is all the way out on Mars. This thing is so big and wide that if you stood on its side, you wouldn't be able to tell which way was downhill. Hawaii's Mauna Loa, which is Earth's largest active volcano, would only take up 2 percent of this thing if you could magically smoosh them together.

So on the one hand, we've got this massive secret geological treasure that we're just now finding, which is exciting. On the other hand, we've only got about five minutes before Japan figures out a way to fetishize it.

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10 Bold Battlefield Deceptions That Actually Worked

We’ve previously discussed some of those tactics so crazy and unconventional that they had to work. Now, let’s train the limelight on some of the most daring deceptions that succeeded in the battlefield, and (of course) marvel at the people with the sheer audacity and ingenuity to pull them off.

10 The Fake Letter That Made An Entire Castle Surrender

credit: James Gordon

As we can see throughout their history, the Knights Hospitallers were clearly no pushovers, preferring to fight to the last man if need be. That scenario almost happened when the Mamluks besieged the formidable Hospitaller castle Krak des Chevaliers in March 1271. Led by Sultan Baybars, the Muslim forces slowly took the castle and gradually pushed the knights into the interior by the end of the month.

Knowing full well that the cornered knights would fight to the bitter end, the sultan cleverly forged a letter under the name of the Hospitaller Grand Master and had it sent to the knights. The letter contained instructions and permission for the defenders to surrender. The knights fell for the ruse and surrendered; subsequently, the sultan spared their lives and allowed them to travel to Tripoli safely under the condition that they didn’t return. By April 1271, the Mamluks had fully occupied the castle and converted it into their own garrison.

9A Counterfeit Cannon Convinced The Enemy To Give Up

Quaker guns are logs or other similar materials painted black and made to resemble real artillery pieces. Named after the pacifist Society of Friends, or Quakers, these fake guns have been used in a variety of wars to frighten or fool the enemy. One rare instance of a Quaker gun actually effecting a surrender came during Colonel William Washington’s campaign in South Carolina on December 4, 1780.

The colonel—who also happened to be George Washington’s second cousin—had found 115 Loyalists holed up in a fortified barn. In a show of quick wit, Washington secretly had a pine log painted to look like a cannon and threatened to open fire if the defenders did not yield. His efforts paid off with the unconditional surrender of Colonel Rowland Rugeley and all his men. To add insult to injury, the defeated men later discovered that the cannon was a fake.

8Benedict Arnold’s “Navy” Delayed A British Invasion

Before Benedict Arnold became known as one of history’s most notorious traitors, he was a resourceful and capable American general who proved more than a match for the well-armed British. His ingenuity especially manifested itself during the critical Battle of Valcour Island in October 1776. At Lake Champlain, Arnold’s makeshift navy of 15 ships met a powerful British fleet composed of 25 ships. As one would expect, the British fleet tore through Arnold’s ships with little effort and forced the latter to retreat.

Although the British won an overwhelming tactical victory, it later proved to be Arnold’s strategic victory: The mere presence of the American ships spurred the British to squander a considerable amount of time building their own fleet. By the time they had finished making the ships and winning the victory, winter had almost set in, forcing them to retreat back to Canada and reschedule their invasion of New York for the next year. That allowed the Americans ample time to prepare their defenses, ultimately culminating in the British defeat at Saratoga in 1777.

7The SS Officer Who Single-Handedly Captured Belgrade

In April 1941, Fritz Klingenberg, an SS officer, was engaged in a friendly race with crack units of the German army to capture Belgrade. During their race, Klingenberg reached a Danube River made swollen by frequent rains. Despite the danger, Klingenberg and 10 of his men managed to cross the river using a rickety old motorboat. They then marched unopposed into Belgrade and garrisoned the German embassy.

Knowing that German forces were still miles away, Klingenberg tried a bluff: He told the mayor that he would have the city bombed by German planes if the mayor didn’t submit. Fortunately, the threat worked and the mayor hastily surrendered Belgrade to Klingenberg. When the German army finally arrived, they were incensed to learn that Klingenberg not only beat them to the city, but had single-handedly captured it as well. News of his bold accomplishment earned Klingenberg lavish praise from the rest of the SS, and he was awarded a Knight’s Cross for the successful siege.

6Operation Scherhorn

In this World War II operation that lasted for almost a year, the Soviets coerced several German prisoners—including Heinrich Scherhorn—to play the part of 2,500 German soldiers trapped behind enemy lines in Eastern Europe. Masquerading as the soldiers, the Soviets then contacted German headquarters in Berlin and asked for supplies to help them break out and return home. Of course, this was just a sham to divert precious German resources, and it worked like a charm: From August 1944 until the war’s end, the Germans continuously airdropped men and supplies to aid the non-existent group.

In the course of the operation, the Soviets captured a sizable amount of supplies along with about 25 German officers, whom they also forced into deceiving their compatriots. The Germans back home never found out about the deception; at one point, commando Otto Skorzeny himself had been ordered to conduct a rescue of the beleaguered troops. Hitler also believed the whole thing, and even had Scherhorn and his fictitious soldiers promoted and awarded.

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5The Confederate General Who Made A Jackass Out Of The Union