90 Miles From Tyranny : Badass of the Week.

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Sunday, July 7, 2013

Badass of the Week.

Rukhsana Kauser

Abu Osama was a bad guy. For the last five years, this assault-rifle toting terrorist dick-monkey had tormented the Indian countryside, tearing shit up, blowing the hell out of innocent bystanders, and generally just epically wrecking the lives of anyone that thought they wanted a piece of 7.62 millimeter lead punched through their torsos at high velocity from the barrel of a Kalashnikov assault rifle. As if it wasn't bad enough that this irrationally-angry punk-ass bitch popped caps in people's stupid faces just for looking at him cross-eyed (and I heard he never washed his hands after using the restroom), this freedom-hating guerrilla jerkburger was also a commander in a particularly bastardly organization of anti-everything douche canoes known as Lashkar-e-Taiba - a notorious criminal organization that has claimed responsibility for everything from the horrific terrorist attacks in Mumbai to the 1993 World Trade Center bombings in New York City. Think of these guys as Al-Qaeda's AAA minor league affiliates, and Abu Osama was like the cleanup hitter on their all-time asshat squad. He was on many countries' Most Wanted Dillholes lists, and had a bounty on his carcass of about $6,000.

Well, on Monday, September 28th, 2009, Abu was wandering around the Jammu region of India, an ultra-rural province near the chaotic Kashmir region, just looking to have some fun by creating a bunch of murder-carnage for no reason other than to satisfy his raging death-boner. He knew about a cute girl that lived in this particular village he happened to be gracing with his sinister presence, so he decided to pay her a visit and ingratiate himself to her relatives by beating the holy living crapballs out of them with a large stick and dragging her off by her hair Neanderthal-style.

So, he got together five of his closest terrorist buddies, charged a clip into his AK-47, and went over to the humble farmhouse where 18 year-old Rukhsana Kauser lived. Abu politely knocked on her door, and greeted her loving father when he came out to see what was going on by jamming a gun barrel in his face:


As you can probably imagine, Mr. Kauser wasn't all that thrilled about the idea of his daughter being carried off to serve as a harem girl in some kind of jacked-up terrorist swinger's club, so it's pretty understandable that he told this bitchtard to go hump a football. Unfortunately, this was just the answer Osama was looking for. He and his cronies immediately started pummeling the barf out of Mr. Kauser and his wife, because apparently when you're a big, tough, ass-wrecking terrorist commander the best way to prove how hardcore you are is by putting a posse of goons together, arming yourself to the teeth, and beating the shit out of a couple of defenseless farmers twice your age.

Well, 18 year-old Rukhsana Kauser wasn't far away – she and her 19 year-old brother had been hiding under the bed in her room, and they were now receiving a front-row seat to the severe beating of their parents at the hands of Rukhsana's soon-to-be terrorist rapist and five of his best friends. Needless to say, this didn't sit well. However, while staring across the room at six masked men carrying fully-automatic assault rifles would have left most people paralyzed by some combination of fear and/or pants-wetting hopelessness, Rukhsana Kauser felt no such compunction. She did what any real badass would have done in this situation – she got super fucking mecha pissed.

" I couldn’t bear my father’s humiliation...
I thought I should try the bold act of encountering militants before dying."

Rukhsana and her brother reached over and grabbed the first thing they could find – which just so happened to be a matching set of giant-ass hatchets – climbed out from under the bed, and charged forward in an effort to find out how these terrorist sons-of-a-bitches liked it when someone sucker-punched them in the throat with a heavy object when they weren't looking.


Ruksana Kauser charged out, grabbed the notorious terrorist Abu Osama by his head, and in one badass judo MMA move slammed the back of his skull up against the wall of her living room with enough force to crack a cue ball. Then, as he was backed up against the wall, she smashed him with the axe (just for good measure). As he slowly started to slump down, badly jacked up by this brutally insane balls-out sneak-attack, Rukhsana reached down, grabbed his AK-47 assault rifle, and forcefully wrenched it out of his hands in one motion. Clutching the captured weapon in both hands, she cracked him in the face with the stock of the rifle, flipped it around, and unleashed a burst of automatic weapons fire that pumped twelve rounds into the criminal mastermind's head and torso at point-blank range, killing him instantly in a thick spray of crimson.

HO – HO – HO

(image courtesy of olegvolk.net)

Now these guys were fucked. They'd been caught off-guard, blindsided by a blur of whirling steel and awesomeness, and now found themselves being stared down by a really pissed-off teenage girl with an assault rifle. Rukhsana did her best Rambo impression and went off like Princess Vespa ouside the penal colony on the Planet Spaceball, spraying hot lead at anything moving in front of her and blasting the fail out of those jacknut terrorist dickfaces who foolishly thought they could come into her small farming village and treat her family like a particularly brutal round of whack-a-mole. In the few seconds that followed, she wounded two more terrorists, and sent the rest running outside the house looking for cover.

The terrorists tried to return fire, but Rukhsana wasn't having any of it. She and her brother (who had picked up a rifle that one of the militants dropped while bravely fleeing for his life) exchanged gunfire with these assfaces for a while before the masked bullies finally decided they'd crossed the wrong chick and beat a hasty retreat out of there as quickly as possible.

" I had never touched a rifle before this, let alone fired one -
but I had seen heroes firing in films and I tried the same way. Somehow I gathered courage."

Rukhsana Kauser is fucking awesome. This chick stood up to defend her family from some of the most notorious criminals in Northern India, and the result was akin to having the first Die Hard movie localized entirely within the confines of her living room. When the smoke cleared and the empty shell casings were swept away, she and her brother had fought off six terrorist by themselves, killing one and wounding a couple more. Abu Osama, one of the most dangerous criminals in the world, was lying dead at her feet. In addition to saving every member of her family, including herself, from certain death, she also managed to rid the universe of the closest thing to COBRA Commander that the international terrorist organization Lashkar-e-Taiba had to offer. She has since been relocated to a witness protection program, nominated for the highest award for civilian bravery offered by the Indian government, and awarded the $6,000 bounty that had been placed on the head of the fallen terrorist leader.

Rukhsana Kauser, shown here carrying the captured weapon.

H/T www.badassoftheweek.com/kauser.html/

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