90 Miles From Tyranny : Badass of the Week: Zeus

Monday, October 13, 2014

Badass of the Week: Zeus

Zeus From Odysseus to Aeneas, Greek Mythology is filled with heroic stories and epic tales of asskicking warriors, gods, and monsters doing all sorts of legendary, ridiculous shit. Every myth is filled with feats of unrivaled strength and determination, and the entire religion just oozes things that are badass ike a festering wound of awesomeness. However, among the towering acts of peerless greatness that dominate the entire mythological system, there is one figure that transcends these heroes and stands on a plane of righteous badassitude all by himself – the almighty Zeus, the powerful, petty, pimp-tastic Ruler of Mount Olympus.

It all started back in the days before the gods as we know them came to power. Zeus' dad was a dude named Cronus. Cronus was the king of the Titans and generally just an all-around bastard, but things really got out of hand in his household when one day he heard some random prophecy claiming that one of his own children would overthrow him and take over as the head honcho of all existence. So Cronus, being the afore-mentioned bastard that he was, came to the rational and logical conclusion that the best course of action to prevent his own violent overthrow was to eat his children as soon as they were born:

(True story: An old roommate of mine insisted on hanging a print of this painting in the dining room of our old apartment. When the rest of us objected, he argued that it was the perfect place for such a work of art because "it was a picture about eating". Needless to say, this resulted in quite a bit of awkwardness whenever one of us wanted to invite a new girlfriend over for dinner.)

Well, Mrs. Cronus eventually got sick of popping out babies just to have them horked down by some crazy baby-eating dipshit, so when she gave birth to baby Zeus she wrapped a rock in some baby clothes and fed that to Cronus instead. Apparently King Cronus was so hungry he didn't even give a crap, because he wolfed that shit down like it was a pan of my wife's delicious homemade spanakopita and didn't seem to notice the subtle textural and flavoral difference between a newborn infant and a large inanimate granite boulder. Zeus' mom then snuck her son off to the island of Crete, where he was raised to adulthood by a celestial goat in a cave full of mythical bees. It was... weird.

Cave life among the crazy goat-bees was apparently somewhat fruitful, however, because Zeus grew up with one thought on his mind – vengeance. Zeus trained himself rigorously, day after day, and when the time was right he ran out and punched his dad so hard in the balls that Cronus barfed up all of the kids he'd eaten. The kids all got together and revolted against the Titans, and under the able command of Zeus the Olympians kicked the Titans' asses off the face of Greece forever. Cronus and his defeated buddies were banished to a place called Tartarus, a horrible vortex of suck that was pretty much like the Ancient Greek equivalent of Satan's bunghole. Seriously, if Hell was the original Death Star, Tartarus was like that awful, sewage-filled trash compactor room with the evil swimming penis eyeball thing and the walls that closed in and smashed Wookies into bloody pulps for no reason at all.

Well, even though the Titans lost the war, some folks still had their backs, and there were a couple revolts against Zeus early on in his reign. For the most part he kicked faces and took names, but the Big Z got quite a test when the horrific monster known as Typhon showed up looking to ...
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