General Marie Harf Through History

State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf suggested that “we cannot kill our way to victory” against ISIS on MSNBC last night. This flies in the face of literally the entirety of human history, through which, time and again, we have seen people killing other people lead to victory in armed combat.

But her dorm-room philosophizing did get me thinking. What if Marie Harf had access to a time machine? How would she have solved the world’s military conflicts?

Marie Harf at Thermopylae

“This is where we hold them! This is where we discover the root causes for their anger at the western world! This is where we alleviate their poverty and increase their standard of living, thus reducing their desire to wage jihad!”
Advice given to Alexander of Macedon by Marie Harf

“There is nothing impossible to him who will try to reduce the impoverishment of those in other corners of the world.”
Marc Antony, after discussing a forthcoming battle with Marie Harf

“Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of equitable employment opportunities.”
Marie Harf’s draft of the letter Julius Ceasar delivered to the Roman Senate

“I came, I saw, I provided significant social welfare benefits and jobs for the Gauls.”
Marie Harf told Napoleon not to half-ass it

“When you set out to take Vienna, take Vienna. But first, consider providing the Viennese with employment opportunities so as to lessen their agitation and mitigate the need for taking it at all.”
Suggested language for Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman provided by Marie Harf...

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